is he in love with me?

It has been really long that we are talking about and sharing our personal lives. The mere thought of being with him makes me so exultant that my world seems to be complete. I know my part of the story, but a thought always lingers- Is he in love with me?

I’m a hopeless romantic and have grown up watching the cheesiest reel-life romance. I had always wondered if the real-life romance would be equally fascinating, engrossing and adventurous. With him, all the answers come in easy, be it the apprehensions of my made-up romantic fantasy, or the solutions to the most tickling apprehensions. He makes it seem like a cake-walk – to love and be loved.

The time seems to be perfect to let it slip away. Before letting the thought of separation even strike our hearts, I spit it out, in a moment of self-reflection, while we were together holding hands and my head on his shoulder, “I love you”. He took a minute, stared at me and took a deep breath, but never replied. In that split-second it occurred to, ‘Is he in love with me?’

What if he still doesn’t love me?

Somehow we moved forward and gave it a shot. The relationship was going so well, I never looked back at that minute which made me doubt ‘us’ and ask myself ‘Is he in love with me?’. We’ve been together for so long now, I hardly get thoughts of deception or longing anymore. It had been a few years now- full of surprises, emotional strengthening, physical intimacy, birthdays, vacations, and whatnot. We’ve had our share of everything, even fights and no-talk zones as well.

We’ve fought over the most trivial issues and arguments, but have strongly stood our stand. Nothing seems to keep us apart, because we’re a wall- a really strong one.  We’ve managed to come out of the worst situations because of it ‘us’ in it as a whole. However, lately, situations are getting bad, misunderstandings creeping in, and timings clashing.

I need to keep everything aligned because staying away from home is not easy. Waking up, college, coaching, studies, food, clothes, mental health, and every other minute everyday thing that I need to cope with, while on top of it all, a relationship with the person I have always loved. I only wished he would understand and not fight over the time that’s hardly mine. Now, sometimes, again I revisit the thought, ‘Is he still in love with me?’ or is it just because we have been ‘us’ for too long to get separated.

I can bear everything, but not blames, for something I’m not responsible for. The love has turned to a nightmare, panic attacks, anxiety and suffocation. It might not seem small, but I’m suffering silently. The thought still creeps in even after separation- if he still loves me?

Before and after the relationship, the thought might be the same- ‘Is he in love with me?’, but the feelings have changed.